Recent Entries

A Song, By Paddy Ryan*

I am the man, the very fat man,
That waters the workers' beer;
I am the man, the very fat man,
That waters the workers' beer;
And what do I care if it makes them ill?
If it makes them terribly queer?
I've a car, a yacht, and an aeroplane,
And I waters the workers' beer!

Now when I waters the workers' beer,
I puts in strychnine,
Some mentholated spirits,
And a gallon of kerosene,
But such a brew terribly strong,
It would make them terribly queer,
So I reaches my hand for the watering-can
And I waters the workers' beer!

I am the man, the very fat man, &c.

Now a drop of beer is good for a man
When he's tired and thirsty and hot;
And sometimes I tipple a little myself,
From a very special pot,
But a strong and healthy working class
Is the thing that I most fear,
So I reaches my hand for the watering-can
And I waters the workers' beer!

I am the man, the very fat man, &c.

Now ladies fair, beyond compare,
Be ye maiden or wife
Spare a thought for such a man
Who leads a pitiful life:
For the water rates are frightfully high,
And the meths is terribly dear
And there ain't the profit there used to be
In watering the workers' beer!

I am the man, the very fat man, &c.

(c) The Workers Music Association

*This song was reposted on The Guardian website, but removed.

Martinus And Candy Scriblerus On FaceBook'em

Martinus Scriblerus

Are you keeping your New Year's Resolutions?

Like - Comment - Share - 10 minutes ago -

Candy Scriblerus I really wanna smoke, drink, and eat MuckDonalds!

9 minutes ago - Like

Abbot Alement What's this?

8 minutes ago - Like

MuckDonald Did someone say my name?

8 minutes ago - Like

Tarborough May I offer you a cigarette?

8 minutes ago - Like

Candy Scriblerus Gimme a break! Can we get some privacy?

7 minutes ago - Like

Thomas Cock Take a break with me!

7 minutes ago - Like

Haartless Get some privacy in my house!

7 minutes ago - Like

Mark Suckerburglar likes this.

Martinus Scriblerus This is private. Just you, me, and the 21 655

Advertisers on FaceBook'em, who are Everyone's Friends.

6 minutes ago - Like

( Read more... )

Dr. Scriblerus Diagnoses John Bull

I was watching John heave the Bags of Turkey Leftovers, wrapping Paper, and joke Presents to the Bins, when I noticed something odd about his Mien, and inquired about his Health.

"Now you mention it, I've been feeling odd for Weeks."

"How so?"

"I've had this constant Ringing in my Ears, and I've been seeing bright Lights. I've completely lost my Sense of Taste. And I've lost Pounds and Pounds!"

I was alarmed to hear this. I inquired further about his Symptoms, determined to save him from his Malady and from the NHS.

"I've been feeling Anxious since October. I've been seeing things that can't possibly exist. And I've become addicted to Currant Pies, curved Sticks of Rock, and other Knick-Knacks I'd never normally buy."

"What doth the Ringing sound like?"

"Bells."

"How many Pounds have you lost, exactly?"

"Five Hundred."

"And what do the Phantoms look like?"

"Oddly-coloured Deer, winged Trumpeters, wagging Dogs made of Snow."

I had heard enough to diagnose him, and confidently pronounced his Distemper to be Christmas.

( Read more... )

The Battle Of The Baubles

A Full And True Account Of A Battle Fought On Christmas Eve Between The Decorations, Cards, Toys, And Other Baubles In J----n L----s's Shop Window.

Stalinus, Mr Wentworth and I were at The Church of J---n L--is, observing The Sacrament Of The Counter, when a Fight broke out among the stuffed Elves, the praying Cows, and other Christmas Monsters. It was the dreadful Culmination of a Month-long Dispute over possession of the Holy Land in the Shop Window.

The Land was home to the wooden Mothers, Babies and Cows, who were related to its ancient Occupants, the Jack-o-Lanterns, and before them, the Chocolate-Egg-laying Rabbits. But the stuffed Elves claimed to have more Holiday Spirit, and, armed with Presents from the C-ca C-la Santa (who wanted to control the entire Shop), had imprisoned the Carvings, and built themselves Dolls' Houses where the Carvings once lived. With the Carvings at their Mercy, the Elves jeered, denied them Candy Canes, and threw the odd Baby in the Bin. The carvings bore this with model Piety, til at last, just hours before the Christmas Bank Holiday, one of them pulled a Party-Popper.

( Read more... )

Verses From The Postmodern Testament

1. When the Holiday Spirit was embodied at the Department Store, there came three wise Men from Wentworth House to Town,

2. saying "Where is the Holiday Spirit? We were watching Sky Television, when a Star appeared, holding an Ecocybertine, guiding us to pay Homage to it."

3. When the People had heard these things, they were troubled, and began to gather their Riches.

4. And Harvey the Marxist asked what was going on.

5. And the People said unto him "We must pay Homage to the Holiday Spirit, for so it is written:

            6. This Room and I want Music, Lamplight,
            a good Book, fresh Tea steaming.
            Across the evening City Home is waking,
            in Semis, terraced Streets, Estates,
            in quiet Suburbs, Silence breaking
            with TV, Kettles, and Radios."

7. And Harvey grinned, and called for the wise Men, and questioned them.

8. And he sent them away and said, "Go and search diligently for the Spirit; and when ye have found it, bring me Word again, that I may come and worship it also."

9. When they had heard the Marxist, they departed; and, lo! they beheld a Sign stood over where the Spirit was.

10. When they read the words J---n L---is they rejoiced with exceeding great Joy.

11. And when they were come into the Shop, they saw cheap Reproductions of a Child and Mother, and they fell down, and worshipped them, and offered up their Riches.

12. And they got a strange Feeling they should not return to Harvey, and departed to Wentworth House another Way.

Polite Notice

We regret to inform you that Wentworth House has been destroyed by a nine-footed god. It is expected to be recreated in the 14th era. Sorry for any hysteria this may cause.

Draft Speech On The Newton Massacre, By Martinus Scriblerus

This afternoon, I spoke with Governor Malloy and FBI Director Mueller. I offered Governor Malloy my condolences for his career, and made it clear that on this occasion he will have every single resource that he needs to investigate this heinous crime, care for the victims, counsel their families.

We’ve caused too many of these tragedies in the past few years. And each time I learn the news, I react not as a president, seeking approval, but as anybody else would as a parent. And that was especially true today. I know there’s not a parent in America who doesn’t feel the same overwhelming grief that I do.

The majority of those who died today were children -- beautiful, little kids between the ages of 5 and 10 years old. [Pause] They had their entire lives ahead of them -- birthdays, graduations, weddings, [wipe a tear from your eye] kids of their own. Among the fallen were also teachers, [wipe another] men and women who devoted their lives to helping our children fulfil their dreams.

As a political system, we have caused this too many times. Whether it is an elementary school in Newtown, or a mosque in Iraq, or a wedding in Afghanistan, or a village in Pakistan, these are neighbourhoods with children. And we’re going to have to come together and take meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this, regardless of the politics, but mindful of the arms industry.

Martinus Scriblerus On Homosexual Marriage

Today The Guardian drew Britain's Attention to Homosexual Marriage: something one might consider a Problem for Theologians, but preoccupieth most politically active People in America. Should the Church sanctify the Union of two Members of the same Sex? The Question confounded me all Day!

( Read more... )

To The Headteacher Of The Stalinus Scriblerus Business Academy

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to inform you of our progress privatising the education system, and to advise you what you, as the manager of a knowledge factory, can do to help us.

I am pleased to report much success. Our government has freed no less than 2012 schools from the tyranny of public control, but not from the bounty of public finance, thereby siphoning millions of pounds of tax to Ed--ie St-----rt, evangelical preachers, and other members of the ruling class. We even managed to conceal the ill-effects of siphoning resources, by excluding and expelling the children who needed the most help. Our latest step is to decentralise the pay scheme, freeing managers to give workers less, and owners more.

I am sorry to report that our project has met with some resistance from the workers, who are under the misapprehension it is their role to provide education, not profit, and call themselves 'teachers', as if they were respectable citizens. Treat them like any other factory workers, and dock their pay. That should discipline them and break their morale. They need to learn that under capitalism teachers, professors, doctors, artists, and philosophers are no better than pot washers, street sweepers, bin men, and the woman who scrubs my toilet. Model citizens make money. What is a teacher, nurse, or artist, to a banker, owner, or politician?

The legal position is clear. Teachers who are following this industrial action are very likely to be in breach of their contracts. I would be very grateful if you could support your school in taking a robust response, including thorough pay deductions where appropriate. Please do so swiftly and firmly before it causes any more damage in schools.

I need hardly remind you of the benefits of privatisation. You may already enjoy a 6-figure salary. I am convinced that by working together in a co-ordinated way we can protect the pupils, parents, teachers, headteachers, and, most importantly, the business owners, who would otherwise suffer because of this irresponsible industrial action.

Yours sincerely,

The R---- H---- M----l G---e.

Polite Notice

We regret to inform you that Wentworth House is closed for renovation. It will return as soon as the Scriblerus Club finish revising their posts. Sorry for any incontinence this may cause.

Dear Diary...

I did another ad this weekend. I told The Guar---ian what it felt like to become a millionaire fashion queen before I was a teenager. I plugged my magazine and my trademark style (you know--cute but jarring, feminist but conservative, adult but babyish). I felt great, right until the interviewer asked me whether I was a fake! I guess people can't believe that a child is the intellectual equal of models and fashion designers. I recited the usual spiel about obeying the man of the house, absorbing fairytales, and being yourself, and avoided the question. But it got me worrying. Am I fake?

( Read more... )

Polite Notice

We regret to inform you that Wentworth House has disappeared because its occupants fell asleep. It is expected to reappear by 11th December. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

Wanted: Dead or Alive

Children with potential hostile intent

The government has ordered the capture, dead or alive, of any children who

could (if they do not) resent an invading army, and would (if they have not)

do something about it. Children are considered extremely dangerous, and

armed with cups of tea.

Reward: 2,900,000,000 bbl oil

Martinus And Stalinus Scriblerus Discuss The Economy

I was perusing The Guardian's Report on the dire Condition of the Britain's Manufacturing Industry, when I was suddenly struck by the most vexing Thought, that perhaps I did not live in the best economic, social, and cultural System imaginable! I tried to put it out of Mind, like any good Journalist or Scholar, but it slipped my Mouth and reached the Ear of my Brother, who was sat beside me reading the Financial Times.

( Read more... )

Coming Soon

Z--ro D---rk Th---rty

For a decade, an elite team of intelligence and military operatives,

working in secret across the globe, devoted themselves to a single

goal: to find and eliminate Os----a b--n L---den. Z--ro D--rk Th---rty

reunites the Oscar winning team of director-producer ----- -------

and writer-producer ---- ----- for the story of history's greatest man-

hunt for the world's most dangerous man.

Available Soon On Verizon Telescreen

Shocking Leak: What Your Representatives Spend Your Money On

ERROR 404 - PAGE NOT FOUND

For Sale

Target: 90887986666

Biometrics:

Bank Details: 90573635373 90-24-21

IPs: 37.130.227.132, 31.3.214.197

Machines: AasjhH579324Fj329F06d, HUjhdhd899sjd90

Address: Wentworth House, UK

Telephone: 077684903302

Email: philosphus_gloriosus@gmail.com

Website: http://the-new-scriblerus-club.dreamwidth.org

Name: Martinus Scriblerus

Previous names: -

Aliases: Edras Barnivelt

Date of Birth: 01/04/62

Gender: m

Sexuality: hetero

Education: St Jude's Special School, Eton College, Oxford University

Contacts:                     Alison Fl---d, A-----w Motion, Barbara Wentworth, David
                                    Dim----y, Emery Wentworth, S----n Jenkins, St-----n Fry,
                                    T-----y Emin

Family: Candy Scriblerus (wife) , Stalinus Scriblerus (brother),
C. Hubertius Scriblerus (father, d.), Ayn Rand (mother, d.)

Employer: Ch---les Sa---chi, J--- Lew-s

Likes:                          acupuncture, Apple, astrology, banks, cigars, cities,
                                    Go--gle, Jacques Derrida, F----book, fashion, flattery, fraking,
                                    homeopathy, hobbits, Marcel Duchamp, money, Nick Cl--gg,
                                    reforms, religion, salesmen, spirits, Thomas Hobbes, t-ts, the
                                    Olympics, the military, the royal family, Tw-ter, Friedrich
                                    Hayek

Dislikes:                      benefits, Bradley Manning, change, Europe, immigrants, Karl
                                    Marx, Julian Assange, Latin America, NHS, Noam Chomsky
                                    pirates, protesters, taxes, unions, students, the young, the old,
                                    workers, women

Politics: capitalist

Politically active: y

Religion: Christian

Illnesses: hypertrichosis, caudal appendage, delusions, suggestibility

Recent calls: 00000 000001 Houses Of Parliament (09.30-09.35 GMT
05/12/12)

0845 5318008 Health-E Company Complaints (17.00-1756
GMT 05/12/12)

0800 000999 NHS Helpline (9.00-9.10 GMT 03/12/12)

07792 573990 Stalinus Scriblerus (14.12-14.42 GMT
13.31 GMT 03/12/12)

Recent emails:             RE: Amazing news!!! Kate's pregnant!!!! (14.04 GMT
                                    04/12/12 candysuperstar@gmail.com)

                                    RE: Buy cheap Vi@gra Ci@lis special discount (21.13
                                    GMT 03/12/12 specialpromoxxx@health-e.com)

RE: No Risk, high Return Opportunity, just £6000 (09.30 GMT
01/12/12 stalinus@haliblackwater.com

A Project for the universal Benefit of Mankind (13.54 GMT
29/11/12 davidcameron@parliament.uk)

Recent blogs: Martinus and Stalinus Scriblerus Report To Emery Wentworth
(23.52 GMT 03/12/12)

'Those Arab Scum' by Dr Scriblerus (14.54 GMT 28/11/12)

Martinus Scriblerus And L-----a Cum-----g Visit the S-----
Gallery (23.56 GMT 25/11/12)

Martinus Scriblerus On A Protest (23.43 GMT 15/11/12)

Martinus and Stalinus Discuss the General Strike (15.31 GMT
14/11/1)

Recent events: A Trip to the S------ Gallery (10.00 GMT 25/11/12, London)

A Trip to the Peak District (11.00 GMT 02/11/12, Mam Tor)

A Roleplay Game (19.00 GMT 13/10/12, Wentworth House)

The Gimcrank Symposium on Distant Matter (9.00 GMT
04/09/12, British University)

A Sermon (10.00 GMT 02/10/12, Wentworth Chapel)

Recent websites: http://www.dreamwidth.org (22.35 GMT 05/12/12)

http://www.farmyardsirens.com (22.30 GMT 05/12/12)

http://www.freerepublic.com (22.05 GMT 05/12/12)

http://www.furrysirens.com (22.00 GMT 05/12/12)

http://liberalogic101.com (21.05 GMT 05/12/12)

http://www.hardcoresirens.com (21.00 GMT 05/12/12)

http://4chan.com (20.35 GMT 05/12/12)

http://www.xxxsirens.com (20.30 GMT 05/12/12)

Recent purchases: Ecocybertine Smart (17.00 GMT 23/11/12 London UK)

Chewable Ecocybertine (17.13 GMT 23/10/12 London UK)

6L Ecocybertine (17.10 GMT 23/09/12 London UK)

5.9L Ecocybertine Pro (17.00 GMT 23/08/12 London UK)

Investigate: n

Water Babe! Royal Goes Topless!

Royal rumbled… the third in line to the throne is caught skinny-dipping
in amniotic fluid.

BABY W-----sor has been photographed frolicking without a
care or garment, inside the womb.

The hot heir is seen flaunting their umbilical cord, with a nonchalant look
on their amorphous face.

Baby, 12 weeks, is the third member of the royal family to expose them-
selves almost in as many months.

The saucy snap comes after P----- H----- was photographed playing naked
billiards in a Las Vegas Hotel in August, and the D------- of C----- went top-
less on a yacht in September.

Such photos raise serious questions about the decency, not of intrusive
photographers or prurient readers, but of their unwitting subjects.

Martinus And Stalinus Scriblerus Report To Emery Wentworth

Stalinus and I were sat in the Parlour, sipping Sherry by the crackling Fire, when our Patron popped in to ask if we had solved Mankind's Problems yet?

"It dependeth what you mean by the Mankind's Problems", I quipped. "If you mean merely Inequality, low Wages, Job Dissatisfaction, Joblessness, Homelessness, Poverty, Hunger, Thirst, Crime, Death by preventable Disease, lying Politicians, diminishing Resources, Overproduction, financial Crises, global Warming, War, the possibility of nuclear Annihilation, and what not, such as The Guardian scaremongers: if you think these things are Problems, then the Solution is quite simple." I quoted Einstein that it taketh a Genius to make complicated things simple, and a Fool to make simple things complicated. "All we need to do is to protect the State from Whistleblowers and Prosecution, monitor Everyone's Communications, protect the Privacy of the Rich, bomb Iran, give Politicians a Pay Increase, give the Poor a Tax Increase, and take their Pensions, Care, Child Support, Disability Support, Unemployment Support, Nurses, Firemen, Policemen, Servicemen, Academics, Librarians and other Public Servants. This is a far simpler, fairer and lasting Solution than, say, doing away with the Ruling Class, as some Crackpots propose."

( Read more... )

Polite Notice

We regret to inform you that Wentworth House will be closed for the next two days, while Mr Wentworth carts home his housing benefit. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.