Please answer the following questions to determine what to do about unscrupulous journalism.  Circle the answers which best apply to you, tally the corresponding letters, then refer to the bottom of the page to calculate the result. Candidates must mark their own homework.

1. How would you describe your relationship to R-----t M-----ch?

            a) I have none

            b) I party with his daughter

            c) I horse-ride with his chief executive

2. From where do you get money?

            a) work 

            b) the government 

            c) the media  

3. How does the media obtain information about you? 

            a) illegally  

            b) legally   

            c) through my PR department    

4. How does the media generally represent you?

            a) as I do not wish      

            b) as I am 

            c) as I wish  

5. What recourse do you have if the media represent you unfavourably?

            a) none    

            b) a counterstatement  

            c) a D-Notice    

If your answers are mostly a) congratulations! you have passed The Dowler Test with flying colours.  Demand the profit motive be removed from the media by nationalising it.  If your answers are mostly b) you have passed the test by the narrowest margin.  Call for paradoxical independent self-regulation.  If your answers are mostly c) you have failed the test.  Do nothing.

Once upon a Christmas time
J---n L---s woke up with a plan-
He thought he'd make some sparkling gold
By plagiarising Briggs' Snowman.

He stole the magic formula
Of kids and scarves and sentiment,
But animated his snowman
With a consumer's discontent.

Th'enchantment worked, the money piled,
A nosy crow then hopped along-
It eyed J-----n's mound of sparkling gold
And sought it with a dreadful song.

In swooped the guard'ian with his cry
"The people have a right to know!"
And valiantly flapped the bird,
While secretly he was a crow. 

That Uncle Sam!
That Uncle Sam!
I do not like that Uncle Sam!

Do you like those Arab scum?

I do not like them, Uncle Sam.
I do not like those Arab scum.

Would you like them here or there?

I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I do not like those Arab scum.
I do not like them, Uncle Sam.

Would you like them in a box?
Would you like them without walks?

I would not like them in a box.
I would not like them without walks.
I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I do not like those Arab scum.
I do not like them, Uncle Sam.

Would you? could you? in the nude?
Would you? could you? while you're viewed?

I would not, could not, in the nude.
I would not, could not, while I'm viewed.
I would not like them in a box.
I would not like them without walks.
I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them ANYWHERE!
I do not like those Arab scum.
I do not like them, Uncle Sam.

You do not like them, so you say.
Try to!  Try to!  And you may.
Try to and you may, I say.

Sam!  If you will let me be,
I will try to.  You will see.

Say I like those Arab scum!

I do! I like them, Uncle Sam!

And I will like them in the nude.
And I will like them while I'm viewed...

And I will like them in a box.

And I will like them without walks!
I like them, Uncle Sam!  I do!
They are so good, Sam!  Peek-a-boo!

*This was reposted on The Guardian website, but removed.

the_new_scriblerus_club: (Emery)

Today I invited Lord G------ to dinner, followed by coffee and cake in the parlour.

"I trust the coq au vin was to your lordship's liking?"


"And Lady G---- is in good health?"

"Fit as a fiddle!"

"And how, dare I inquire, was yesterday's debate?"

"Usual snore-fest.  Bunch of codgers quibbling about how to make themselves richer.  Tuppy lost his wig, but found it on his head.  I suggested dropping a nuclear bomb on another nuclear power.  Don't think they even reported it in this country."

Read more... )

Dear Dave,

May I say, on behalf of my entire media group, how delighted we are by your proposal!  When news first broke that we were bribing police, bugging innocent civilians, and courting politicians, we were, quite frankly, terrified for the future of privatised media!  You can imagine our relief, then, to hear you propose we merely regulate ourselves, basically as we do already.  For the sake of impartiality, information must be mediated not by the public, but by rich pro-capitalist corporations.  We act in the public interest, not the private.  If, occasionally, we harass grieving mothers, photograph people naked, attack the welfare system, and lie if it will sell more papers than cost in lawsuits, these are the faults of a few bad apples -- a T---m Cr---ne, a Reb---h Br----ks, a R----t M----h, -- not of a system designed to make money and protect its hoard at all costs.  You can rely on us company directors to be moral, public spirited and all that, just like the bankers when you deregulated them.

See you at the stables,

S-----h P---e-M----s.

the_new_scriblerus_club: (Martinus)

Today my good Friend L----ra Cum-----s invited me to join her in the S----- Gallery.  I could hardly refuse when she advertised its Stock as "Brand new" and "on the Market"!  So we strolled around the Shop, with folded Arms, raised Noses, and knitted Eyebrows, humming our Approval at a skilful Painting of a Stickman, a beautiful Papier Maché Suicide, and a meaningful abstract Composition.

Read more... )

In an interview with ------, Lord Fraud is reported to have said the benefits system is "dreadful" and discourages rich people from getting jobs.

"The taxpayer bailouts, the government contracts, the fraudulent expense claims, the tax avoidance--all kinds of areas where the rich are able to have a lifestyle off benefits and actually off conditionality" the C------- peer said.

Fraud, the grandson of paedophilia-apologist Sigmund Fraud, and a privately educated investment banker, told ---------- that his background did not make him unable to understand the reality of living on benefits.

This is the first time the C--------- have publicly criticised the culture of benefits among the rich, and the party has been accused of stirring public distrust by making dramatic claims about rich lifestyles and fraud.

A report by The Telegraph last month calculated that MPs' pay could jump by 40% to £92 000 a year.  The proposal comes after MPs' fraudulent expense claims were exposed and stopped--timing that some believe is no coincidence.

the_new_scriblerus_club: (Wentworth House)

We regret to inform you that The New Scriblerus Club will not be meeting today, while they visit NASA to debate evidence of intelligent life on planet Earth.  Sorry for any disappointment this may cause.

the_new_scriblerus_club: (John)

been feeling a bit down lately.  shouldn't be.  I get p----- every night, I've bought the new bmi 14.0 blonde, and I've nearly finished paying for my ecocybertine.  (the eco's pretty cool coz its got to compete with other companies, but for some reason the map service is s---!)  so I go to the doctor.  some f---- p----i, of course, putting another brit on the dole.  reads me a list of questions.  do I have trouble sleeping?  yes.  do I feel unmotivated?  yes.  do I have difficulty thinking and being creative?  yes.  then he asks has anything unusual happened to me lately?  not really.  I went on strike coz I can barely afford the rent.  I had to get a third job delivering stuff for a drugs company.  its stressful and boring and I hate my boss, but that's life innit.  so he concludes the problem is with my brain chemistry.  apparently it needs squarer toning.  he prescribes these pills to level me out, and make me tolerate life.  weird thing is, they're made by the same company that's just employed me!

the_new_scriblerus_club: (Wentworth House)

We regret to inform you that Wentworth House will be closed for the next two days, while Mr Wentworth carts home his housing benefit.  Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

Crime Blockbuster (18)

Fear thy neighbour…

Manly, hardworking cop Joe Everyman (played by the president)
and officer I. Candy (pornstar Candy Scriblerus) must catch
inhuman criminal Mohammed Other (the current enemy of the
state).  An idyllic community is subject to nightmarish crimes, but
the police have too few resources and too
many regulations to find
the killer.  Enter our heroic state
enforcers.  Unafraid to break the rules,
they must threaten and shoot
suspects without trial, because they know
that humans are savage 
beasts, and even the seemingly normal could
be dangerous monsters.  Be
prepared to fear your comrades, shelter
under the state, and
become accustomed to extreme violence, in this
convincing work of total fiction.

In Cinemas Now!

the_new_scriblerus_club: (Wentworth House)

We regret to inform you that The New Scriblerus Club will not be meeting this weekend.  They were planning to aim to begin to save the world, but put it off.  Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

Hundreds of politicians, business owners, and managers in Greece, Italy, Spain, and Portugal yesterday went on strike to protest the growing anti-austerity movement.  Rights were left unrepealed, mansions empty, and workers unharassed, as the ruling class took to the streets.

Town squares had not contained so many shirts and tails since the nineteenth century.  The crowds, which were composed entirely of white males, carried placards with slogans like "Tax the poor", "We don't need welfare", and "Capitalism works".

Violence almost erupted in Athens when one banker banged on an office window, furiously demanding the workers give him more tax to pay for his yacht.  However, police in all countries kept control, the crowds being small, and unused to physical activity.

The head of the conglomerations, Stalinus Scriblerus, gave a speech in which he told protesters "This strike is not just about reducing wages, welfare and rights.  Its about developing class-consciousness, realising our combined power, and proving who it is that runs society.  Let's just see how the workers get on without us enforcing our laws, micromanaging their work, and taking their profits!"

The strike caused widespread disruption in offices and factories, as employees were forced to make decisions based on their expertise, agree how much profit each of them deserved, and take a real interest in their companies' success.

A Portuguese worker commented on the anarchy.  "It is as if I have lost my job.  Yesterday I skulked to work, wasted eight hours being told what to do by someone who didn't know how to do it, and skulked home with little pay and no thanks.  Today I raced to the office, did what needed to be done, left when I'd finished, and passed the afternoon spending my extra earnings.  It was very strange.  It didn't feel like work."

*This article was reposted on The Guardian website on 21st November, but removed by a moderator.

the_new_scriblerus_club: (Martinus)

I am sorry to learn that an innocent Minister, who had only deprived the Poor of Shelter, was yesterday ambushed by an angry Mob.  He was about to deliver a Lecture at the University of S------ debunking the Myth that Squatters renovate derelict Houses, and justifying a political System in which 60 000 Families are homeless at the same time 300 000 Homes are ownerless, when the Audience pelted him with Tomatoes, Insults, and Rocks taken from his Mansion.  The Minister, who had not had this much Mud slung at him since the last Parliamentary Debate, did what all Ministers do to preserve themselves, and hid behind someone else.  His Eyes darted for a black Person, but, seeing none, he used his Staff as Decoys, while he took shelter in a public Building.

the_new_scriblerus_club: (Martinus)

"Money! Money! Money! that's all Workers care about!" cried Chief Executive Stalinus.  "Let them strike--they're not getting any more of mine!"  He was waiting for his Breakfast, and I suspected his Grumbling came from his Stomach.  "I work very hard buying Equipment and Workers to make my Fortune!  All they do is sweat and grunt like Beats of Burden!  They say they deserve more of the Profits they make!  More!  They deserve nothing more than Hay!  Without Philanthropists like me setting up Businesses, they would not have Jobs in the first Place!  Working for Money is the only Means of surviving imaginable! and working to make others rich is the only Work imaginable!"  I began to consider a World without Business Owners, in which people instead worked to benefit Society, but Stalinus interrupted:

Read more... )


A high-ranking Iranian strategist today urged Iran to consider a military strike against the United States.  

Writing in the journal Foreign Affairs, he revealed that "for several years now, Iranian pundits and policymakers have been debating whether Iran should attack the United States and attempt to eliminate its oil refineries."

"Proponents of a strike have argued that the only thing worse than military action against the United States would be a United States capable of devastating the environment with hydraulic fracturing.  Critics, meanwhile, have warned that such a raid would likely fail and, even if it succeeded, would spark a full-fledged war.  They have urged Iran to rely on nonmilitary options, such as protocols, treaties, and appeals to corporate consciences.  Fearing the costs of a bombing campaign, most critics maintain that if these other tactics fail to impede Washington's progress, the world should simply learn to live with rising sea levels, overpopulation, extreme weather, famines, droughts and wars."

Read more... )

We must lower tax for corporations
For the people;
We must raise it for the population
For the people;
We must give it to conglomerations
For the people:
We cause pain for your gain;
We are there for your welfare.

We must keep the poor from graduation
For the people;
Leave the sickly for divine salvation
For the people;
We must starve the jobless generation
For the people:
We cause pain for your gain;
We are there for your welfare.

We must fund the royals' ostentation
For the people;
And directors of communication
For the people;
We must cover bankers' speculations
For the people:
We cause pain for your gain;
We are there for your welfare.

We must take the wealth of other nations
For the people;
Visit terror, death, and mutilation
For the people;
Hazard nuclear annihilation
For the people:
We cause pain for your gain;
We are there for your welfare.

the_new_scriblerus_club: (Wentworth House)

We regret to inform you that Wentworth House is closed for weekend, while the Wentworths entertain socialite Ian Goldman, M. D.  Sorry for any disorder this may cause.

the_new_scriblerus_club: (Martinus)

Good morning Students, and welcome to The University of Britain!  I am Martinus Scriblerus, Professor of Distant Matter, and Director of Marketing.  I would like to thank you, on behalf of the Board of Lecturers, for investing in this Knowledge Factory.  We realise that some of our Rivals, even in poor Countries like Mexico, offer quality tertiary Education for free, and that our Fee of £9000 a Year compelleth you to seek high-paying private Jobs in order to repay your Student Loans.  However, we offer something our Rivals do not.  While they give you merely what you need--that is, Guidance in developing independent Thought--The University of Britain, having to compete like a Business, giveth you what you want!  We offer Courses on Celebrity Journalism, Mobile Communication, and Surf Science!  We guarantee you a high Degree!  And if you do not like or understand what our Lecturers teach, we will replace them immediately! for the Customer, not the Expert, is always right!  

Now then, 'down to Business', as we Educators say.  This Year, the following Modules are available for you to study: 

Read more... )
the_new_scriblerus_club: (Martinus)

You must agree, gentle Reader, with what you are told, that Capitalism is the best political System imaginable.  True, it hath its Hiccups, such as financial Crises, staggering inequalities of Wealth, Crime, Wars for Resources, and the destruction of our only Habitat, but these Problems are not systemic.  They are caused by evil Individuals: greedy Bankers, lazy Workers, unruly Youths, crazy Terrorists, and irresponsible Shoppers.  Therefore I must agree with Mr Monbiot, for once, that Individuals should shop responsibly for their Fish and Chips.  Buying a happy Halibut will preserve the Environment, your Peace of Mind, and, most importantly, the staus quo.

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