Dr. Scriblerus Diagnoses John Bull

I was watching John heave the Bags of Turkey Leftovers, wrapping Paper, and joke Presents to the Bins, when I noticed something odd about his Mien, and inquired about his Health. 

"Now you mention it, I've been feeling odd for Weeks."

"How so?"

"I've had this constant Ringing in my Ears, and I've been seeing bright Lights.  I've completely lost my Sense of Taste.  And I've lost Pounds and Pounds!"

I was alarmed to hear this.  I inquired further about his Symptoms, determined to save him from his Malady and from the NHS.

"I've been feeling Anxious since October.  I've been seeing things that can't possibly exist.  And I've become addicted to Currant Pies, curved Sticks of Rock, and other Knick-Knacks I'd never normally buy."

"What doth the Ringing sound like?"

"Bells."

"How many Pounds have you lost, exactly?"

"Five Hundred."

"And what do the Phantoms look like?"

"Oddly-coloured Deer, winged Trumpeters, wagging Dogs made of Snow."

I had heard enough to diagnose him, and confidently pronounced his Distemper to be Christmas.
 

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